Dracula vs Twilight: Forks vs the Carpathians

Twilight in the style of Dracula: Example

Here's an example remix, Twilight in the style of Dracula.

This time, after going to the far side of the Pass, he suddenly turned down a narrow roadway which ran sharply to the right. Soon we were hemmed in with trees, which in places arched right over the roadway till we passed as through a tunnel. And again great frowning rocks guarded us boldly on either side. Though we were in shelter, we could hear the rising wind, for it moaned and whistled through the rocks, and the branches of the trees crashed together as we swept along. It grew colder and colder still, and fine, powdery snow began to fall, so that soon we and all around us were covered with a white blanket. The keen wind still carried the howling of the dogs, though this grew fainter as we went on our way. The baying of the wolves sounded nearer and nearer, as though they were closing round on us from every side. I grew dreadfully afraid, and the horses shared my fear.

Dracula(1897)

The street was lined on both sides by blank, doorless, windowless walls. I could see in the distance, two intersections down, streetlamps, cars, and more pedestrians, but they were all too far away. Because lounging against the western building, midway down the street, were the other two men from the group, both watching with excited smiles as I froze dead on the sidewalk. I realized then that I wasn't being followed.

I was being herded.

I paused for only a second, but it felt like a very long time. I turned then and darted to the other side of the road. I had a sinking feeling that it was a wasted attempt. The footsteps behind me were louder now.

Twilight(2011)

A moment later I made a sharp right turn, crossing beneath the overpass and away from the railroad tracks. Overhead the freeway loomed, and along its underside its concrete ribs reflected a ghastly green light, as if it were breathing poison. Cars and trucks thrummed high above, drowning out the sound of my footsteps as I ran into a narrow road below. Around me dark warehouses slumped, choking the street, and beyond them to my right a colossal factory reared up, steam heaving off its iron flanks. A cold wind slithered across the pavement, between dirty papers and torn plastic bags, tossing them onto barbed wire fences and leaving them to hang like dead birds. The shattered footpath snapped my ankles, and deep black puddles soaked through my shoes and chilled my bones. The warehouse walls, thick with grime and smoky grease, carried echoes of the men in the dark, gaining on me now, first their footsteps, and then their sinister, snickering laughter. I felt horribly sick, and I ran on my sickness.

What do you think of that one? Is there anything you think could be improved? How does it read compared to the original Dracula passage? It's certainly much more intense than the Twilight passage—is it too intense? Is there anything you'd change? For instance, I think it might be a little overwritten—maybe it needs some simpler qualities and actions? What do you think?

Copy and paste the rewrite here, and see if you can improve it.
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