Close

In the middle distance snippet, we were told how Rudy feels about the sandwich.

In this close-up, we actually go inside his mind. Can you see where we do that?

"Get real," Estela growled, then added with kindness, "Rudy, a ‘pool party' is a swim party. You have to be polite. You can't eat with your fingers."

"Oh, it's that kind of party," Rudy said, a light coming on inside his head. He pictured himself wiping his mouth every time he took a bite of food or sipped a drink.

"Get real," Estela growled, then added with kindness, "Rudy, a ‘pool party' is a swim party. You have to be polite. You can't eat with your fingers."

"Oh, it's that kind of party," Rudy said, a light coming on inside his head. He pictured himself wiping his mouth every time he took a bite of food or sipped a drink.

"Get real," Estela growled, then added with kindness, "Rudy, a ‘pool party' is a swim party. You have to be polite. You can't eat with your fingers."

"Oh, it's that kind of party," Rudy said, a light coming on inside his head. He pictured himself wiping his mouth every time he took a bite of food or sipped a drink.

"Get real," Estela growled, then added with kindness, "Rudy, a ‘pool party' is a swim party. You have to be polite. You can't eat with your fingers."

"Oh, it's that kind of party," Rudy said, a light coming on inside his head. He pictured himself wiping his mouth every time he took a bite of food or sipped a drink.

This snippet has a simple trigger-response structure:

  • Estala scolds and corrects Rudy.
  • Rudy realises he's been wrong and imagines his new behaviour.

We have a mix of elements:

  • We get a series of externally observable narrative facts (mostly dialogue).
  • We get author commentary on Estela's attitude.
  • And instead of being told Rudy's thoughts and feelings via an emotional label or observable behaviour, we go inside his head and experience what he's experiencing—which is a flash of insight and a vision of himself wiping his mouth.

"Why isn't Estela's attitude highlighted as character feeling?"

...then added with kindness...

You could argue that this is Estela's emotion, or Rudy's perception, but I think the best argument is that the narrator is clarifying for the reader how Estela changes her tone so that we don't think she's still being mean.

  • The main thing to notice is that we see what is going on inside Rudy, more than being given a summary ("he was surprised").
  • But also notice how the narrator commentates on other characters' attitudes to help us understand the dynamic.

How are these ideas applied in our orc siege example?

There was a rumble further down the tunnel. Granular, ashy smoke billowed back, making the fighters cough. "They're collapsing the tunnel!" Varguk cried. Another crash, back towards the entrance. "They're trying to trap us! Bury us!"

"Quiet, bomber," said Garath-ek. He was trying to think of a way out. He could let the humans collapse a section and then charge his warriors straight up into the street, though he saw them being surrounded and picked off as they came through, bodies blocking the mouth. Or he could send Malvolio up a toilet shaft.

There was a rumble further down the tunnel. Granular, ashy smoke billowed back, making the fighters cough. "They're collapsing the tunnel!" Varguk cried. Another crash, back towards the entrance. "They're trying to trap us! Bury us!"

"Quiet, bomber," said Garath-ek. He was trying to think of a way out. He could let the humans collapse a section and then charge his warriors straight up into the street, though he saw them being surrounded and picked off as they came through, bodies blocking the mouth. Or he could send Malvolio up a toilet shaft.

There was a rumble further down the tunnel. Granular, ashy smoke billowed back, making the fighters cough. "They're collapsing the tunnel!" Varguk cried. Another crash, back towards the entrance. "They're trying to trap us! Bury us!"

"Quiet, bomber," said Garath-ek. He was trying to think of a way out. He could let the humans collapse a section and then charge his warriors straight up into the street, though he saw them being surrounded and picked off as they came through, bodies blocking the mouth. Or he could send Malvolio up a toilet shaft.

There was a rumble further down the tunnel. Granular, ashy smoke billowed back, making the fighters cough. "They're collapsing the tunnel!" Varguk cried. Another crash, back towards the entrance. "They're trying to trap us! Bury us!"

"Quiet, bomber," said Garath-ek. He was trying to think of a way out. He could let the humans collapse a section and then charge his warriors straight up into the street, though he saw them being surrounded and picked off as they came through, bodies blocking the mouth. Or he could send Malvolio up a toilet shaft.

How about the dolphin story?

Something knocked the board from beneath her feet. One second she was trimming along the wave while watching the twinkling lights of the town and then the board shot out and she smacked face first into a wall of water.

Suddenly she was spinning, her bearings lost. The line ripped from her ankle, leaving a burn. Saltwater stung inside her nostrils. She felt pressure in her ears and something in her mind was firing an alarm as she tumbled in the darkness.

Something knocked the board from beneath her feet. One second she was trimming along the wave while watching the twinkling lights of the town and then the board shot out and she smacked face first into a wall of water.

Suddenly she was spinning, her bearings lost. The line ripped from her ankle, leaving a burn. Saltwater stung inside her nostrils. She felt pressure in her ears and something in her mind was firing an alarm as she tumbled in the darkness.

Something knocked the board from beneath her feet. One second she was trimming along the wave while watching the twinkling lights of the town and then the board shot out and she smacked face first into a wall of water.

Suddenly she was spinning, her bearings lost. The line ripped from her ankle, leaving a burn. Saltwater stung inside her nostrils. She felt pressure in her ears and something in her mind was firing an alarm as she tumbled in the darkness.

Something knocked the board from beneath her feet. One second she was trimming along the wave while watching the twinkling lights of the town and then the board shot out and she smacked face first into a wall of water.

Suddenly she was spinning, her bearings lost. The line ripped from her ankle, leaving a burn. Saltwater stung inside her nostrils. She felt pressure in her ears and something in her mind was firing an alarm as she tumbled in the darkness.

  • Write about a simple trigger-response situation.
  • In the response, take us inside the character's imagination.
Describe a character reacting, and take us inside their imagination.

What if we merge with the character and eavesdrop on their internal speech?