Narrative Basics Project: Worrying about a friend

Conclusion

Checkpoint

Let's put everything together in a checkpoint piece. Here's the original snippet:

I tucked my hands under my cheek, tried to picture the constable knocking on the door to Toby’s smokehouse, imagined the look on Toby’s face when he opened the door and found trouble on the other side.

“I don’t believe what they’re saying about Toby. He’s not like that.”

“Nor do I, Annabelle. But Constable Oleska is a fair man. I don’t think he’ll do anything but talk for now.”

Which, I feared, might itself be too much. Toby had been a wanderer. I expected he might right now be thinking about leaving our hills for somewhere new.

Wolf HollowLauren WolkSource

Here are the examples we've been building:

I sat back under the eaves, wondered what would happen when Zhang brought out his prize cake for the mayor to try, imagined the noise he would make when he lifted the lid and saw that Luo had already eaten it the night before.

“It’s not fair. Zhang has worked so hard for this.”

“I know. But the mayor will understand. Luo’s stolen food from everyone at some point.”

I wasn’t so sure. Zhang was proud. To have been tricked by Luo on something so important, it would make him so ashamed I could see him closing shop for good.

I tightened my grip on the shovel, pictured Queenie’s reaction when she found Kezia stacking rocks by the water’s edge, imagined how she might grab Kezia’s arm and pull her away to join the other girls in the weaving hut.

“Kezia has the strength of any boy working the river. We need the help, why not her?” 

“Her labour would be welcome. And Queenie is reasonable. She knows well the value of Kezia, even with her unusual ways.”

I wanted to be certain like Lano. Kezia was stubborn. Above all else, Queenie valued obedience and any challenge to her authority never went unchecked for long.

And below is your version, joined together. You might need to delete some excess paragraph breaks.

Is there anything you want to edit? This is your last chance to make improvements before we conclude the lesson!

How well have you painted a picture of someone worrying about their friend?

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