Checkpoint

Let's put everything together in a checkpoint piece. Here's the original snippet:

From the hallway they heard a rising cacophony of voices. Loud, scared, some babbling, as if it would be okay as long as they didn’t stop talking. Some voices were just wild.

It wasn’t a good sound. It was frightening all by itself, that sound.

“Come with us, Astrid, okay?” Sam said. “We’ll be safer together.”

Astrid flinched at the word “safer.” But she nodded.

This school was dangerous now. Scared people did scary things sometimes, even kids. Sam knew that from personal experience. Fear could be dangerous. Fear could get people hurt. And there was nothing but fear running crazy through the school.

Life in Perdido Beach had changed. Something big and terrible had happened.

Sam hoped he was not the cause.

Gone(2008)

Here are the examples we've been building:

Around them they could hear people shuffling, muttering, bumping into things, as if a switch was flipped. Some sounded angry, some scared. Others sounded like they were looting the store, laughing. It sounded crazy, as if half an hour’s darkness was all it took for us to devolve into lawlessness.

“Heidi… you coming?” Noah asked. “Ready to check it out?”

“If that was a checkout chick gag… blind or not… I’ll kill you,” she spat. “But, yeah. Sure.”

There was no point in hanging around the supermarket. The shoppers were getting panicky. Noah knew, without their sight, it would only get worse. Panicky people were dangerous, especially when they twigged to why they couldn’t see. They were bad enough now thinking it was just a problem with the lights.

River Ridge Shopping Centre was no longer safe. Everyone had been affected by something terrible.

Noah wondered if his dad’s experiments had something to do with it.

From the top of the hill they could see the neighbourhood falling apart. Dinosaurs trampling through houses. Dogs going wild. Cars speeding in the streets. Helicopters overhead. Even from here they could hear people screaming and shouting.

It wasn’t good. It was like the whole world was falling apart.

“We’re going to need food,” Trixie said. “To get food, we’re going to need people and cars.”

Hunter and Bron nodded. They were in her hands now.

This was a disaster. The dinosaurs weren’t even the biggest danger. Trix had been in disasters before. She knew that the real danger was the everyday stuff. Empty supermarkets. Dry taps. Toilets that don’t flush. She could see the system that kept everyone alive breaking down in front of them.

Their old life was gone. Maybe forever.

And she knew who to blame.

And below is your version, joined together. You might need to delete some excess paragraph breaks.

Is there anything you want to edit? This is your last chance to make improvements before we conclude the lesson!

Do you:

describe how the environment has become dangerous?
get your hero to rally the group?
explain why it's time to move?
add a final, personal twist at the end that would make people want more?

Delete excess paragraph breaks and polish your scene.

High-concept storytelling in Gone 6: Ending big, promising bigger