High-concept storytelling in Gone 4: Speaking for the group

Checkpoint

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Checkpoint page
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Let's put everything together in a checkpoint piece. Here's the original snippet:

The door slammed open and in rushed two kids, fifth-grade boys, their faces wild, excited. “We own the school!” one yelled, and the other gave an answering hoot.

“We’re going to bust open the candy machine,” the first one announced.

“That’s maybe not a good idea,” Sam said.

“You can’t tell us what to do.” Belligerent, but not sure of himself, not sure he was right.

“You’re right, little dude. But look, how about we all try and keep it together till we figure out what’s going on?” Sam said.

“You keep it together,” the kid yelled. The other one hooted again, and off they went.

Gone(2008)

Here are the examples we've been building:

A crash nearby, some shuffling footsteps, and the low voices of two teenagers came closer, sounding sneaky, egging each other on. “Get this through the door and it’s ours, man!” one hissed, and his mate chuckled in agreement.

“Yep. I reckon a TV’s good compensation for making us stand in the dark for ages,” the other drawled. Confident. Full of attitude. Looking for a fight.

“Stealing stuff? Really?” Noah said.

“Yeah. Why not? Someone should have paid their power bills.” the second one jeered.

“Maybe they should have. But, if the lights come on, you’re going to get nicked.” 

“You get nicked,” the first voice laughed. They both chuckled, bumped into something else, swore, and shuffled away with their loot.

A car screeched to a halt next to them. Trixie recognised the two dudes inside: the Garroway twins, who’d graduated last year. They were laughing wildly and waving metal-fingers while nu-metal-dubstep blasted out the stereo. “How awesome is this?” Dylan Garroway yelled, and his brother chugged a can of beer.

“We’re going to do some looting!” Dylan said.

“Isn’t that a little premature?” said Trixie. 

“No way! You got to do it now before all the best stuff is gone!” Cocky, sure of himself, typical bro.

“Are you serious? You can’t just commit crimes because something weird’s happening.”

“That’s exactly when you commit the crimes, Trix. We even stole this car!” Dylan’s brother crushed his beer can against the dashboard and tossed it out the window at them, as Dylan sped off towards the mall.

And below is your version, joined together. You might need to delete some excess paragraph breaks.

Is there anything you want to edit? This is your last chance to make improvements before we conclude the lesson!

Do you:

  • have a small part of the mob appear?
  • use them to show how the larger mob are thinking or behaving?
  • have your hero try to give them help or advice?
  • have it utterly fail?
Delete excess paragraph breaks and polish your scene.
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