Observing and describing in Storm Boy 2: Describing a person

But when the winter came

This next snippet of the passage expands on the first one, blending a few things to paint a better picture of Storm Boy.

  • A particular time or event where things change
  • How the character changes to suit that

That sounds simple, but the combination shows you a few important things about the character.

Have a read.

But when the winter wind came sweeping up from Antarctica with ice on its tongue, licking and smoothing his cheeks into cold flat pebbles, he put on one of his father’s thick coats that came down to his ankles. Then he would turn up the collar, let his hands dangle down to get lost in the huge pockets, and go outside again as snug as a penguin in a burrow. 

Storm Boy(1963)

What does this snippet show?

  • More about the harshness of his home; the weather is wild
  • Storm Boy doesn’t seem to mind and has a simple solution; his dad’s coat
  • He’s a pretty tough kid; not many kids would enjoy Antarctic winds!
  • He’s also quite poor (and doesn’t care); he doesn’t have winter clothes of his own

This snippet changes direction from the previous snippet. “Most of the year he wore nothing but shorts… But when the winter winds came…” 

Again, creating this feeling of time passing. Try using the same phrase to get you started.

So many to choose from in this passage!

Metaphors 
(where one thing is described as if it were something else)

  • Antarctic wind as if an animal: ‘sweeping up’ ‘with ice on its tongue’ ‘licking and smoothing’
  • Storm Boy’s cheeks as if pebbles: became ‘cold flat pebbles’

Similes 
(like a metaphor, but making the comparison explicit – using ‘as’ or ‘like’)

  • Wearing the jacket: ‘as snug as a penguin in a burrow’‘

If you want to try some similes and metaphors but you’re feeling lost, try writing a simple matter-of-fact description first, then rewrite some facts using simile or metaphor to make them more vivid. For example:

  • First draft: But when the weekends came he wore shorts…
  • Revision: But when the summer weekends baked the town like a pizza he wore shorts...

Look at how much work these simple prepositions do

In an elaborate descriptive passage like this, it’s easy to focus on the beautiful imagery and miss the way that all these details are connected by very simple prepositions. Prepositions are really the unsung heroes of this snippet.

When you write your own version below, if you get stuck, just reach for one of these simple prepositions and see where it takes you: up, down, in, out, behind, over, under, from, with, to.

But when the winter wind came sweeping up from Antarctica with ice on its tongue, licking and smoothing his cheeks into cold flat pebbles, he put on one of his father’s thick coats that came down to his ankles. Then he would turn up the collar, let his hands dangle down to get lost in the huge pockets, and go outside again as snug as a penguin in a burrow. 

Storm Boy(1963)

Good observation! But if you look at the surrounding words, you’ll see each to has a different function:

  • ...came down to his ankles: to marks a position in space, so it’s a preposition
  • ...dangle down to get lost: to is actually part of the verb to get, so it’s not a preposition (it’s called an infinitive marker, because it shifts get into the infinitive [i.e. timeless] tense).

Here are some examples. Notice the change doesn’t need to be the weather (though it can be), but how your character responds should tell your reader something important about them.

Reminder: You’ll be explaining that important character trait in the next snippet.

But when it was time for someone to pay attention to her, when official types wanted to bark and blather and blame and make her go to interviews she didn’t want to attend, Amelia had a grey business suit hanging near her mattress, ready to go. Then she would wash, slip the outfit on, and try her best to look like everyone else, as normal as the people who usually ignored her.

But when the bell rang at 3pm on Friday, snapping open the lock of school so the chains fell to the floor, he went straight to the toilets and there changed into singlet and shorts, with a pair of dirty blue thongs clamped between his toes and a yellow Billabong cap tugged over his head. Then he would sling his uniform-stuffed bag over one shoulder and cruise out as easy as a seagull gliding over the waves.

Write your own variation.
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