Checkpoint

Let's put everything together in a checkpoint piece. Here's the original snippet:

“Sir . . .” Rawiya tugged on al-Idrisi’s sleeve.

Al-Idrisi turned. “It seems we know more people in Cairo than we thought.”

They ran, their camels opening a path for them. They dodged the crowds, diving between shop signs and old men hawking tea and hats, between merchants with monkeys and women with small children. They knocked over vials of spices and jugs of oil and flour, spilling a mess on the street.

They hurtled into a side street, crowded with wrought-iron and brass lamps, their glow flickering. Laundry lines lurched in their wake. They dodged stray cats and men buying lusterware dishes decorated with copper birds and fish.

The Map of Salt and Stars

Here are the examples we've been building:

An agonised roar called out across the beach. “Dad?” said Freya, turning towards the sound.

Douglas dropped his bags. “Get to the ship.”

They ran, the dogs bounding ahead of them, thinking they were playing.

They sprinted across the ribbed sand, their feet splashing in tidal puddles and scattering the schools of tiny fish that were trapped there. They hooked around an overturned trawler, its boom broken like an elbow, and ran exposed towards the beached aircraft carrier.

They scrambled up a fallen fighter jet, missiles still clamped under the wing. The glass of the cockpit cracked beneath their feet. They grabbed cables and pulled themselves up towards a hole in the bulkhead streaked with rust.

Helena felt a prickle at the back of her neck. She nudged her pale companion. “Don’t look back,” she said, “But we may have to walk faster.”

She picked up the pace, dragging the princess by the elbow.

Helena didn’t bother trying to thread through the people streaming off the train, with their suitcases and hat boxes, their partners and babies and dogs. Her whalebone hoop skirt barged along the platform, leaving a trail of yelling patrons, upended luggage, and stray top hats in its wake.

Helena hoisted the princess up into an opening in the carriage, its dark, cast iron interior and surfaces covered in dials marking it as a service entrance. The narrow doorway caught at Helena’s massive skirt. She yanked it through, now streaked with soot.

And below is your version, joined together. You might need to delete some excess paragraph breaks.

Is there anything you want to edit? This is your last chance to make improvements before we conclude the lesson!

How well have you created a dramatic, helter-skelter chase sequence?

Write a getaway scene. Notice the danger and decide to run. Include action, expanded detail and reactions from environment.

Narrative Basics Project: Making a getaway